When I am sad and down in the dumps

When I am sad and down in the dumps

When I am sad and down in the dumps, I guess like most people, I have

a protocol that I follow.

 After (first) assessing what the causes might be, I then follow a pattern.

Unlike several of my friends, I don’t seek chocolate. Maybe that would be better for me (even though I am a diabetic).

Not  unlike others, I lose my appetite (but unfortunately not corresponding weight, I don’t know why) and then I will seek busy work. Mostly I clean…anything I can get my hands on. Going from room to room, throwing things away and dusting.

When the (inevitable) exhaustion take over, then I seek movies that suit my mood.

Mostly, when I’m depressed, I seek very sad movies. Often they are movies about the Holocaust: Schinler’s List, Out of the Ashes, The Piano, QBVII. Sometimes they’re documentaries, like Simon Weisenthauls “I have never forgotten you”. If I run out of those (and this last three weeks I have) I resort to other sad and desperate movies. PS-I Love you is one, the film ALIVE (the one about the Rugby players who crashed in the Andes) is another.

If I run out of all of those, I resort to Grey’s Anatomy and the TV Series HOUSE M. D. Somehow, Walt can always tell if I’ve been watching either of those.

Yesterday was , what one of my Emmaus compatriots would call a “faith tester”.

The Pastor’s Message, about Stewardship, was presented on Laity Sunday.

My husband participated and had many amazing reviews. He should have had. All the people who participated did a good and communicative job.

Walt, seemed to believe the message was “stop worrying about the “tithe: give as you can.”

My take on the message was “It doesn’t matter how sacrificially you give (of your money time and substance) your financial issues are of no interest to God.

Walt tried to convince me that I have the message wrong in my head.

I’m sure that’s not the only thing that’s wrong.

I’ve headed the prayer ministry at the church for over two years and felt a bit overlooked when someone else what asked to take over the praying duties for laity Sunday.

At the Men’s Garage sale, two people who’ve been “away from the church” since this Pastor arrived, came by. The woman is someone with whom I prayed in our prayer ministry for over a year. The truth be known, most times it was just the two of us. When I was having dyer problems with our previous pastor, (who was actually verbally abusive to me and others in our church). , I was told by my prayer partner and her husband, that they had problems involving another pastor and had prayed on it. I was told more than once “you don’t leave because of the Pastor. You stay in your home church.” Because they were not the only people giving me that message, I didn’t leave. It was painful. But I stayed.

When this couple arrived on Saturday. I was excited to see them. I barely got a “hello” and they were off and disappeared.

On another note, a friend of some 20 years is not speaking to me (again) . Probably because we told her we could not host her visitation to get her Dr’s appointments done.

I keep thinking, “If I had received an email like that, I would have called her to ask her if something was wrong with her.” But there has been no such call.

So she’s pissed at me and punishing me and I’m not in the mood to play the “emotion game” with her.

I’m getting the message that “giving sacrificially is maybe not the best course of action.

I’ve done that with my friendship. I’ve done that in my vocation with God.

Right now I’m feeling invisible to God.

I’m feeling depths of despair.

I miss my dad so much, I can barely breathe.

I’m feeling like that tenuous grip I might have had on my faith is slipping.

slipping

slipping.

-k