Allow me to say that I am hopelessly
addicted to Hallmark Holiday movies.
From October (The Good Witch series
and movies--all of them) to New Years, you will find me baking my heart out and
(like the woman in the song "Honey"--Bobby Goldsboro) crying my eyes
out over some silly sentimental representation of someone's idea of a
holiday...
Well, Hallmark's idea of a Holiday.
There are some things I really love
about these productions.
I don't have to think too hard about
them. They're kind to my nervous system.
I don't feel traumatized after
watching them. I find them nostalgic.
Romantic kisses are sweet--not the tonsillectomies
that punctuate some of the films, I've seen
(I know I sound old, I don't care) .
Somehow, like Ike and Tina Turners'
1961 recording, in the end, I know it's
going to work out fine. The Christmas Tree farm will be saved, The
Christmas village will be saved. The historical home will not be sold to a
multinational corporation for condos, and, the best part, the star-crossed
lovers will end up together.
However, I've noticed some things
that are "formulaic" (or as I've heard in other expressions "Derivative")
in these films, that , actually, are bothering me. I'm sure it comes from
watching the same film several times in a row (come-on, you do it too).
But here's my list of some reasons
why, living in a Hallmark Holiday movie,
may not be the best thing:
#1) There will be a death integral to
the plotline. OK, this is not a Disney
"We have to kill Bambi's mom-murder-driven-sadism" type element. But,
at some point, you will learn, that the "Historical Home-Christmas Tree
Farm-Christmas Village" has been left to a family member who doesn't
really understand what Christmas is all about. Maybe they're still grieving
(example: The Christmas Ornament) or
maybe the departed person is the only person who truly celebrated Christmas
with the main character (example: The
Christmas Calendar 2017).
#2) People in Hallmark Holiday (and
possibly other films throughout the year) movies, drink incomprehensible
amounts of coffee. Apparently, only one
person in the town makes a decent cup of coffee and they happen to run a cafe',
bestrew, diner. At first, I thought
"Oh that's so neat, stopping in the middle of the day to get a cup of
coffee" But after watching many of these films (and a series), I'm certain
that the only doctor in town (also a consumer of the coffee) is kept busy with
ulcer treatments for the coffee-swilling-inhabitants. Sometimes, getting the
coffee is a plot element, navigating the main characters to meet (Christmas in Pemberley).
I found myself thinking "why
don't I have coffee in the middle of the day?" and then an intercepting
thought "wait. Is coffee the new kool-aid?" (shrugs)
#3) You will (sort of) recognize some
of the names, some of the faces and some of the music.
Unlike the old TV series
"FBI" (where some names have been changed to protect the innocent)
some of the names might be "slightly changed". (example:
"William Darcy" In Christmas
at Pemberly). Also, some of the actors (not all) in a series of films/or series
have been changed out to another actor, which is very similar. The character of
Brandon in the Good Witch series of movies is played by a different actor than
plays him in the TV series. For a while I thought
it might be the same actor all grown up. But the new actor sort of looks like a
young Kennedy (yes, those Kennedy's)
But some of the music themes sound
partially like themes from other films you know. Several times Walt has come in
and said "Oh. I thought you were watching Sense and Sensibility (although, he might have meant Pride and Prejudice, as he doesn't
really know the difference).
#4) Even in the smallest towns, there
is a preponderance (legal term) of lawyers, former lawyers, former law
students. In The Thanksgiving House
one of the main characters (a History researcher and teacher) is a former law
student, but his parents are both lawyers. He falls in love with a lawyer,
who's ex-boyfriend (a chef) submits a legal tort on the land she owns. Another
Christmas film has a new mayor (an ex-lawyer) and the main love interest
(attended law school). But many of these small towns (like the old series
Gunsmoke) have only one doctor. Go figure.
#5) OK...is that REALLY the End? I've
noticed they've done this on several films. A Thanksgiving film leaves several
plotlines twisting in the wind and ends with the main characters playing on a
front yard swing. The only way I knew it was the end, was, over the credits
rolling, there was some sort of Hallmark talk show with a woman saying
"Isn't that how every Hallmark movie should end?"...well NO. What about the sketchy boyfriend who's
launched legal torts against the ex-girlfriend to make money off of her families'
historical home? What about the internet blogger who's been lying about the
couple and the news all this time? I find myself fantasizing that they fall off
the cruise ship they're both on (over Thanksgiving)---oh wait...that would be a
Lifetime movie.
END
